What just happened?!?!
On March 6, 2010, my mom had 3 strokes and then we discovered that she has been walking around with a blood vessel leaking in her brain…a ticking time bomb. I decided that when I moved back from Maryland to Miami and she was coming back as well, that I would limit how much I communicated with her. I would not entertain her apparent mental incapacity to deal with her oldest daughter. The black sheep, Ms. “Can’t Get Right”. I now know why. I now know why she sometimes forgot that she just told me she loved me and then turned around and advised me that maybe I was never worth anyone’s love. I now know why she can’t stop drinking no matter how many rehabs we have tried and how much counseling we have suggested. Or do I? Am I kind of glad that this was discovered as a possible reason for her behavior because let’s face it, who wants to walk around with verbal affirmation that your mom could give a shit about you much less about herself. I stood by her bedside as she told me how much she appreciated me for staying there with her and not leaving and then she promptly forgot even talking to me. She didn’t remember the transfer to a different hospital and thinks that it is the 6th of June. I want to be angry right now but we have been to this place before with my brother, an aneurysm survivor himself. I was not as involved with the process back then but I remember it was more important to think about him being okay than to be mad at him for leaving me here by myself with my mom. The militant midget in me wanted to yell about her asking for my sister and asking if my brother is coming when sometimes I think these two have made sure they have preserved themselves above all including my mom. I watched her face fall when I told her my sister was at work and that my brother was not sure if he could come because he was more concerned about being arrested at the airport for an outstanding warrant than getting here to be here with his mom. (Parking Lot…How fuckin great was your crime sir that you think the City of Miami Police Department, who will not even hire more officers to cover the high level of crime, will spare manpower to meet your ass at the airport?!?!?!) I of course did not tell her this, I just told her that they would be here soon. I found myself at the hospital praying and hoping that she would come through so that I can tell her how much we can be new. How we can fix whatever is wrong with our relationship. This is important for us. My brother has not been the same since his surgery because he can’t remember some simple things that took place before the surgery. Maybe my mom will not remember that I am not the daughter she wishes I was or that she can’t get through a day without alcohol. And then I realize how selfish this must all sound. That I am so busy looking for answers to explain this chink in our family armor, I have lost sight of the main issue…my mom is very sick and needs all 3 of us to be here for her. We are all we have and we can’t seem to get it together.