Memorial Day Weekend in Miami
LACE FRONTS AND ILL FITTING TWO-PIECE BATHING SUITS UNITE!!!…its Memorial Day Weekend in Miami. As our local residents visit the hair store only to find that every pack of 10-12 in. Minky Yaki has been sold, I reflect on the days of yester…no, literally, yesterday, when the shelves were filled with promises of Nicki Minaj-ish wishes and Beyonce looking dreams. Those dreams have gone out the window much like all the two-piece bathing suits at Target (or for my baller-chicks, Old Navy). Ahh yes, this is the weekend where ho-shit and debauchery collide and become one big ball of fuckery and I, The Choklit One, have decided that it is my duty to provide tips on how to act accordingly while attending the going ons in these parts. First of all, ladies, while we understand that some of you have never been to Miami and have decided that this is the place to release your inner whore, please also understand that Miami is also the place where video cameras and camera phones abound. Please don’t allow you and your friends to become the motivation for some dude to start up his first amateur porno company <——Choklit PSA …..Wait, unless this was the original plan, oh, very well then, carry on. Also, did you know that if a lace front gets wet, it falls off? Ladies, try not to walk to close to the water, you know, near where all the cute guys are to get their attention. I’m from here and these guys play too damn much…you have a 75% chance of being thrown in or shot with a Super Soaker. Do yourself a favor and keep your lace front a safe distance from the shore, like maybe at Wet Willies, where your only fear would be to have a Call-A-Cab thrown in your face by the girl wearing the same bathing suit as you. (Old Navy stand up!!) Finally ladies, two-pieces are not for everyone and not everything that hangs out of said two-piece can be hidden with a sheer/terry cloth/cotton cover-up. Know your boundaries ladies and stay in your lane. I’m not small by a longshot, so I BET NOT NEVER put on a two piece ANYTHING!!!! Do you want to end up on Media Takeout or youknowyoudeadasswrong.com, HUH?!?! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT FOR YOUR FAMILY?!?! No, I didn’t think so, unless again, this was the original plan.
Now on to the fellas. Sir, you do know that we know our people and we can hear it in your voice if you are from here. Why did you just tell that girl that you are from Georgia/New York/Philly? GTFOH!!! Next week, at the club when this same girl sees you, what will you say then, ASS!! Be your usual random self and remember there is someone for everybody, even you sir, with the mouth full of gold-teeth and the Chevy ridin on 24’s with the candy paint and whatever other hood shit you can cram into one vehicle. *cue entrance of chick with lace-front, gold-teeth and ill-fitting two piece*. Also fellas, beer goggles are not just an urban myth, they are real!! Be mad at no-one but yourself when that girl wakes up and realizes she slept with Quasimodo…wait…this was supposed to be FOR the guys. I meant to say don’t drink and drive/ride/screw…um, I mean do it (for the sole purpose of blaming it on the alcohol, if you must)…I mean…you know what, nevermind, just do the best you can. Lastly fellas, if you are actually from another state and in that other state, you have a steady girlfriend or wife, know that if you commit yourself to a weekend of debauchery, there is a strong possibility that you could also end up on Media Takeout and any other useless gossip sight you can think of. Who exactly are you upset with about your wife finding out and justifiably sleeping with her boyfriend in your absence and moving in with him and taking your George Foreman grill with her and….wait, where was I going with this? Oh yeah, try not to do anything that you can’t get out of with the help of a skilled public defender (because she will probably clean out your account as well) You Welcome!!